I'm back to Him. Finally, I have enough courage to confess that I have backed out and denied my God. Finally, I have strength to do something about it. After many months of self-condemnation, self-loath and confusion.. last night, I managed to do a right thing. I finally went up and asked God for forgiveness.
It's amazing how I can relate very well to Peter. I claim to love God and will never deny Him, but when I have to choose to accept Him or deny Him, I ended up choosing the latter. My relationship with my parents got better in the end because I chose to deny God. I just realized last night that the very thing the devil is using to attack me is my love for my family...especially my mother. Back then, it's either my family OR God. People keep telling me that I can continue loving them both, but it's not as easy as it sounds. I was drowning with guilt. I felt so dirty.. so dirty that I wouldn't let my own mother touch me. My self-loath got to the point that I did things to myself that I can never believe I could. I even felt justified and satisfied.. because I believe that I deserve to be punished. Even now, looking back at the things I did, it felt like a dream.
My God is big. I believe that whatever I'm going through, He'll see to it that I will make it to the other side.. safe & sound. He promise. All I have to do is give Him my hardened heart and believe...
My God is big
So strong, so mighty
My God is good
He's so good to me
THERE'S NOTHING MY GOD CANNOT DO
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