Pushed, Shoved, and Beaten Down

When I conjured this blog back to life, I probably said something about this year being the year of self searching and reflection. Despite all the discoveries I have made about myself, I feel spiritually lost.

As a part or my self reflection, I had given my faith and all the decisions that I have made regarding my faith a long hard look. One can almost always guarantee that in doing so will bring up some shocking revelations.. and what was revealed to me has shaken me to the core. My faith crumble and my sense of self and identity was stolen away from me. I realised that my decision to become a Christian is not right.. because the reasons that led me to that decision were wrong. Oh the lies and self deception. All the justification and rationalisation could not do justice, let alone bringing me peace or any sense of joy. I did not become a Christian for me. So I laughed at myself, the biggest fool of all, and then I cried. I feel like a liar, a fake. I have lied to myself.. and because of that I have lied to everybody.

But did I really?

Eventhough I know now that my reasons for becoming a Christian was based on my naivity and foolishness but all my feelings then seemed so real. I still believe that it was real. I prayed with genuine sincerity in my heart. I counselled with genuine love and respect. I don't regret becoming a Christian because it has led me to learn about the abundant love that is shared between one Christian to another. I met so many nice, pleasant, genuinely caring people and establised life long friendship with them. I loved all the life group meetings and all the praying. But what about God? I asked myself that question over and over again. After this realisation..do I still believe in God? in Christian God in particular? Do I believe in Jesus? Do I believe in the teachings?

I can not confidently say "yes" to all of those questions except one... and I can not say that I am a Christian before I can confidently say "yes" to all of those questions. So.. what now? I have decided that I will step back and search for God. I still believe in "God", yes I do, but I can not say that I believe in "Christian God". This blow has taken my life's meaning away from me. I don't know how I am. I don't know what my purpose is. The great big void in my heart is back. The emptiness in my soul is so great that it makes my heart ache. So I will search for God... and perhaps I would found myself along the way. One day, I hope I could confidently say that my life is not meaningless... that I know who I am and what I am about. Right now, I just wish I know where to start looking for God. I feel that I have so many things on my hand, so many things that need my immediate attention... and that my "search" have to be put on hold. But it is not the kind of things that we could put on hold. The search for God is not like the skirt you found at a shop that could be put on hold until you can decide whether you like it or until you have enough to afford it. Funny that I am doing exactly that. It's like breathing, the first thing you did when you were born was to breathe.. and the last thing you do before you die is to breathe your last breath. It is so vitally important for our survival but we rarely think about it. How many times a day are you aware that you are breathing? After you read this sentence, it might be the first time today that your breath got any attention from you. So it's like that, our search for God is vitally important but we rarely think about it. That leads me to another point that I want to share. I went to a seminar on "Guided Meditation" yesterday and the lady said that religion is like banana skin but spirituality is the fruit within. She said that sometimes we hold on the the skin and throws away the fruit, our spirituality. The statement has such a big impact on me.. because I start to question what "spirituality" means. The lady said that it is "how you are in touch with your inner self" but I think that spirituality means more than that. As hard as I tried, I still can not found what "spirituality" means for me. I feel that the meaning is there.. so close to me.. but it is out of my grasp.