Isn't is gorgeous?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
In the process of doing my work.. and I sense something moving on the corner of my eyes. I look up from the computer screen and look out the door to our garden. On top of the wall sit a little squirrel eating the fruit from our pomegranate tree. It is weird to find animals like this in a big city. You would think that they all live in the country side where there are lots of trees but noooo.. there are four of these little fuzzies in our neighbourhood. They live in pairs, according to my mom.
Isn't is gorgeous?
Isn't is gorgeous?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
| You Are 40% Lady |
 You tend to make up your rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside. And while you try to be a lady (sometimes), your behavior is often quite shocking. |
I am 40% lady - I tend to make up my rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside. And while I try to be a lady (sometimes), my behaviour is often quite shocking.
BUT I LIKE PINK!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...
Oh by the way, this is my 100th post!! How cool is that people. Yaaaaaaaaay!!! I should have some kind of a celebration.
Friday, November 24, 2006
"OH CRAP!!"
These two words are constantly only my mind for the past 3 weeks. My second semester on MSCP program is coming to the end and that means the time that piles of reports, assignments, projects, and exams come and pay me a visit. Wonder why these professors love to torture us by setting the deadlines on the same week. What could possibly be worse right? Noooooo... that's not true, it gets much more worse if you're ME. Well, for Stats & Research paper, I need to do a mock research proposal (40%) and defend it (another 40%) so my final is mind paralyzing 80%!!!! The thing is, even though our lecturer told us from the start that we should find and decide on a research topic (which can continue on to become our real thesis topic if we want).. the thing is.. it's not that easy to find and especially decide on a topic! I changed my topic perhaps 30 times already. I finally decided on my topic last Tuesday and my proposal defense is next Tuesday..oh great..that doesn't give me enough time to find related literature to review on(which is an entire chapter in itself). Oh.. I desperately need a miracle and good long back massage.. and lots of motivation.
Oh crap!! I have an exam this Monday!! *fighting the urge to throw something and scream*
I so desperately need retail therapy.
These two words are constantly only my mind for the past 3 weeks. My second semester on MSCP program is coming to the end and that means the time that piles of reports, assignments, projects, and exams come and pay me a visit. Wonder why these professors love to torture us by setting the deadlines on the same week. What could possibly be worse right? Noooooo... that's not true, it gets much more worse if you're ME. Well, for Stats & Research paper, I need to do a mock research proposal (40%) and defend it (another 40%) so my final is mind paralyzing 80%!!!! The thing is, even though our lecturer told us from the start that we should find and decide on a research topic (which can continue on to become our real thesis topic if we want).. the thing is.. it's not that easy to find and especially decide on a topic! I changed my topic perhaps 30 times already. I finally decided on my topic last Tuesday and my proposal defense is next Tuesday..oh great..that doesn't give me enough time to find related literature to review on(which is an entire chapter in itself). Oh.. I desperately need a miracle and good long back massage.. and lots of motivation.
Oh crap!! I have an exam this Monday!! *fighting the urge to throw something and scream*
I so desperately need retail therapy.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Pushed, Shoved, and Beaten Down
When I conjured this blog back to life, I probably said something about this year being the year of self searching and reflection. Despite all the discoveries I have made about myself, I feel spiritually lost.
As a part or my self reflection, I had given my faith and all the decisions that I have made regarding my faith a long hard look. One can almost always guarantee that in doing so will bring up some shocking revelations.. and what was revealed to me has shaken me to the core. My faith crumble and my sense of self and identity was stolen away from me. I realised that my decision to become a Christian is not right.. because the reasons that led me to that decision were wrong. Oh the lies and self deception. All the justification and rationalisation could not do justice, let alone bringing me peace or any sense of joy. I did not become a Christian for me. So I laughed at myself, the biggest fool of all, and then I cried. I feel like a liar, a fake. I have lied to myself.. and because of that I have lied to everybody.
But did I really?
Eventhough I know now that my reasons for becoming a Christian was based on my naivity and foolishness but all my feelings then seemed so real. I still believe that it was real. I prayed with genuine sincerity in my heart. I counselled with genuine love and respect. I don't regret becoming a Christian because it has led me to learn about the abundant love that is shared between one Christian to another. I met so many nice, pleasant, genuinely caring people and establised life long friendship with them. I loved all the life group meetings and all the praying. But what about God? I asked myself that question over and over again. After this realisation..do I still believe in God? in Christian God in particular? Do I believe in Jesus? Do I believe in the teachings?
I can not confidently say "yes" to all of those questions except one... and I can not say that I am a Christian before I can confidently say "yes" to all of those questions. So.. what now? I have decided that I will step back and search for God. I still believe in "God", yes I do, but I can not say that I believe in "Christian God". This blow has taken my life's meaning away from me. I don't know how I am. I don't know what my purpose is. The great big void in my heart is back. The emptiness in my soul is so great that it makes my heart ache. So I will search for God... and perhaps I would found myself along the way. One day, I hope I could confidently say that my life is not meaningless... that I know who I am and what I am about. Right now, I just wish I know where to start looking for God. I feel that I have so many things on my hand, so many things that need my immediate attention... and that my "search" have to be put on hold. But it is not the kind of things that we could put on hold. The search for God is not like the skirt you found at a shop that could be put on hold until you can decide whether you like it or until you have enough to afford it. Funny that I am doing exactly that. It's like breathing, the first thing you did when you were born was to breathe.. and the last thing you do before you die is to breathe your last breath. It is so vitally important for our survival but we rarely think about it. How many times a day are you aware that you are breathing? After you read this sentence, it might be the first time today that your breath got any attention from you. So it's like that, our search for God is vitally important but we rarely think about it. That leads me to another point that I want to share. I went to a seminar on "Guided Meditation" yesterday and the lady said that religion is like banana skin but spirituality is the fruit within. She said that sometimes we hold on the the skin and throws away the fruit, our spirituality. The statement has such a big impact on me.. because I start to question what "spirituality" means. The lady said that it is "how you are in touch with your inner self" but I think that spirituality means more than that. As hard as I tried, I still can not found what "spirituality" means for me. I feel that the meaning is there.. so close to me.. but it is out of my grasp.
When I conjured this blog back to life, I probably said something about this year being the year of self searching and reflection. Despite all the discoveries I have made about myself, I feel spiritually lost.
As a part or my self reflection, I had given my faith and all the decisions that I have made regarding my faith a long hard look. One can almost always guarantee that in doing so will bring up some shocking revelations.. and what was revealed to me has shaken me to the core. My faith crumble and my sense of self and identity was stolen away from me. I realised that my decision to become a Christian is not right.. because the reasons that led me to that decision were wrong. Oh the lies and self deception. All the justification and rationalisation could not do justice, let alone bringing me peace or any sense of joy. I did not become a Christian for me. So I laughed at myself, the biggest fool of all, and then I cried. I feel like a liar, a fake. I have lied to myself.. and because of that I have lied to everybody.
But did I really?
Eventhough I know now that my reasons for becoming a Christian was based on my naivity and foolishness but all my feelings then seemed so real. I still believe that it was real. I prayed with genuine sincerity in my heart. I counselled with genuine love and respect. I don't regret becoming a Christian because it has led me to learn about the abundant love that is shared between one Christian to another. I met so many nice, pleasant, genuinely caring people and establised life long friendship with them. I loved all the life group meetings and all the praying. But what about God? I asked myself that question over and over again. After this realisation..do I still believe in God? in Christian God in particular? Do I believe in Jesus? Do I believe in the teachings?
I can not confidently say "yes" to all of those questions except one... and I can not say that I am a Christian before I can confidently say "yes" to all of those questions. So.. what now? I have decided that I will step back and search for God. I still believe in "God", yes I do, but I can not say that I believe in "Christian God". This blow has taken my life's meaning away from me. I don't know how I am. I don't know what my purpose is. The great big void in my heart is back. The emptiness in my soul is so great that it makes my heart ache. So I will search for God... and perhaps I would found myself along the way. One day, I hope I could confidently say that my life is not meaningless... that I know who I am and what I am about. Right now, I just wish I know where to start looking for God. I feel that I have so many things on my hand, so many things that need my immediate attention... and that my "search" have to be put on hold. But it is not the kind of things that we could put on hold. The search for God is not like the skirt you found at a shop that could be put on hold until you can decide whether you like it or until you have enough to afford it. Funny that I am doing exactly that. It's like breathing, the first thing you did when you were born was to breathe.. and the last thing you do before you die is to breathe your last breath. It is so vitally important for our survival but we rarely think about it. How many times a day are you aware that you are breathing? After you read this sentence, it might be the first time today that your breath got any attention from you. So it's like that, our search for God is vitally important but we rarely think about it. That leads me to another point that I want to share. I went to a seminar on "Guided Meditation" yesterday and the lady said that religion is like banana skin but spirituality is the fruit within. She said that sometimes we hold on the the skin and throws away the fruit, our spirituality. The statement has such a big impact on me.. because I start to question what "spirituality" means. The lady said that it is "how you are in touch with your inner self" but I think that spirituality means more than that. As hard as I tried, I still can not found what "spirituality" means for me. I feel that the meaning is there.. so close to me.. but it is out of my grasp.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
It has been a while
It has been a while since I last blogged! I miss blogging。。
Now, I'm using this computer at Uni which is so weird. It keeps on changing my font to some weird as stuff. I think some one has set up chinese font in this computer or something.
I have not eaten meat for 5 days now. Why? Well, because it's a chinese tradition that at some certain month, we will have 9-10 days that we refrain from eating meat and any animal-related products. It is also known as vegetarian festival around here.
I had a mid-term test and a presentation last week for Multicultural Counselling. It went okay and my presentation on comparing Russian Jewish and Indonesian families went pretty good too. Amazing that we are so relaxed in this class while such uncomfortable subject about race and racism was being discussed. My lecturer commented that it is easier to teach this class in Asia than America, apparenty it is a very sensitive issue in the States.. where everybody sue everybody. Well, this is what I've heard but I prefer to keep my judgement to myself. No.. I would rather not judge at all.
Isn't it amazing that the end of year is approaching already? October is almost over.. only two more months and 2006 is gone. It never amaze me how fast time flies.. and it rarely occur to me that life is actually quite short. I have this interesting theory about "World View".. not my theory of course but it's what I've learned in class.
Well.. there's 4 types of world view:
1. Optimistic - believe that people is essentially good, believe in working in harmony with nature
2. Pessimistic - believe that the best kind of relationship is equal relationship (you help me, I help you), believe that nature is a dangerous fource not to be played with.
3. Traditional - believe that the nature is here to serve you
4. Here and Now - I think the name pretty much self explanatory
So.. I think I'm optimistic but I would rather be here-and-now. I seems to underestimate the value of "Time".. all the time!! Gosh.. I need to get a life. So.. what kind of world view do you have?
Now, I'm using this computer at Uni which is so weird. It keeps on changing my font to some weird as stuff. I think some one has set up chinese font in this computer or something.
I have not eaten meat for 5 days now. Why? Well, because it's a chinese tradition that at some certain month, we will have 9-10 days that we refrain from eating meat and any animal-related products. It is also known as vegetarian festival around here.
I had a mid-term test and a presentation last week for Multicultural Counselling. It went okay and my presentation on comparing Russian Jewish and Indonesian families went pretty good too. Amazing that we are so relaxed in this class while such uncomfortable subject about race and racism was being discussed. My lecturer commented that it is easier to teach this class in Asia than America, apparenty it is a very sensitive issue in the States.. where everybody sue everybody. Well, this is what I've heard but I prefer to keep my judgement to myself. No.. I would rather not judge at all.
Isn't it amazing that the end of year is approaching already? October is almost over.. only two more months and 2006 is gone. It never amaze me how fast time flies.. and it rarely occur to me that life is actually quite short. I have this interesting theory about "World View".. not my theory of course but it's what I've learned in class.
Well.. there's 4 types of world view:
1. Optimistic - believe that people is essentially good, believe in working in harmony with nature
2. Pessimistic - believe that the best kind of relationship is equal relationship (you help me, I help you), believe that nature is a dangerous fource not to be played with.
3. Traditional - believe that the nature is here to serve you
4. Here and Now - I think the name pretty much self explanatory
So.. I think I'm optimistic but I would rather be here-and-now. I seems to underestimate the value of "Time".. all the time!! Gosh.. I need to get a life. So.. what kind of world view do you have?
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