To Christchurch and back

I went to CHCH last thursday and just came back yesterday. Gosh, it was awesome !!! Sales every where.. I had such a great time. I stayed with Annisha (a friend from Aquinas) and her awesome family. I went on a retail therapy and bought myself a digital camera. So yeah, the time in CHCH was just awesome. It's great just to get away from Dunedin.. I didn't really want to come back but now I'm sort of glad I'm back.

Coming back here means responsibility.. I have to ball to plan, a test to study, a flat to clean and a conference to prepared myself for. I'm quite anxious. There are so many things to do and I feel not organised. It's a month and 2 weeks till the ball.. I'm so afraid that I won't do my job as good as Penny.. oh well, I'll cope some how.

I got my marks for PHAL 301 and 306 today.. and I'm soooooooooooooo happy. PHAL 301 is the one I thought I wouldn't do very well. I was aiming for a pass.. if I get 50, I'll be totally over the moon... and I've got 69 !!! a mark away from getting a B. I'm seriously pleased with it. For 306 (toxicology), I've got a B+. I'm a little wee bit disappointed but got no one else to blame except me. If only I handed that 20% lab report on time *sigh*...... but anyway, I'm pleased cozI know God gave me the marks I deserve and He knows how much work I put in. All those weeks of stress and being emotionally drained, I'm so glad it's all in the past.. until next time. I haven't got my PSYC mark back yet but I'm pretty sure I'll pass. I don't know how well I did tho.. coz I totally underestimate that paper. The exam is harder than I expected...

Anyway, I better stop blogging and.. do something productive..

Yay !!

I... finished... my... exam yesterday...

oh the joy !!! the relief !!! yessss.... I think I did alright in PSYC 111... pretty well in PHAL 306 and meh in PHAL 301. Well, it's all in the past.. totally beyond my control and out of my hand (at least it's in God's hands) so I'll stop thinking/worrying about it. I had a terrible night before 301 exam.. struggling to fall asleep due to anxiety and keep on waking up several times during the night.. for some reason when I woke up, I tried to remember stuff that I've studied and I was trying to remember stuff I've learned a zillion years ago (and was totally irrelevant) and I tried to stay awake coz my stupid brain keep telling me that if I fall asleep I will forget everything. Weird huh? but anyway I had a brief decent sleep with pretty good dream involving buying the Lions vs All Blacks ticket in the toilet...... and I shall say no more.

Good news today... God is awesome.. he blessed me with much needed money. I've just recieved a letter from Southern Cross Insurance saying that they've reduced to cost in the beginning of the year and some customers (ie me) paid the original price.. so they're giving me refund !! God is good and He cares... I love you God !!

Anyway, I better go back to cleaning my room. For the past two months I've been in the assignment/exam mode and have no time to tidy up or clean my room. So I'm doing it all today. Took me all morning just to fold up my clothes, organise my desk and vacuum the carpet. I'm so happy that I can see my floor again !!!

Chao ~~

ps have u checked the comments on my last blog !!! it's awesome.. I even got comments from people I don't know !!! but we sure have one thing in common.. our Almighty God !!

pps Star War was alright.. not that great in my opinion

Where is my passion?

Where is it? Where is my burning passion for God? I keep looking, praying, praising..... I still have no idea where it is...

oh well, pray harder I guess !!!

I'm in the ministry team for Get Smart 2005.... I'm scared that I won't be able to do the job properly...... Can only pray that God will prepare me for it..

Star Wars tonight with Mel and my classmate (and her friends) gonna be awesome... plus Ceroc @ Carnegie Center... Ben & Nikki is having dress rehearsal tonight (they're going to Auckland for Ceroc National Comp.)... and SAM... where were you for the past two classes.. hope to see you at Carnegie center tonight.

Good luck to Jack on his Tekapo race... if you win... you better split that $500 with me !!!

Chao ~~~

Burnt Out..

that's what I'm feeling right now. Basically, my assignments are almost all over since last Tuesday. So Wednesday and today is suppose to be smooth and relax for me. But I keep on freaking out, I keep on thinking that I still have some sort of work and assignments to do (which I do.. but they are small ones that doesn't even worth worrying about).

When is it that all the fun disappear from my life? No-Man Camp was good but it felt like a dream. What suppose to be a time for me to relax and recharge, turned out to be short-lived. As soon as I'm back in Dunedin, it felt like something zapped all my energy away again. When was the last time that I had a good sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and can't wait for the day to start? When did I start dreading the day? I kept on smiling, but am I fooling other people or am I fooling myself? Am I pretending that everything is fine and okay and I'm all together? All these questions running through my head.... and I have no answers for any of it.

One day at a time, I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time, I know I'll carry on
One day at a time ,I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time, I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will to understand this plan you have for me

And I've been shut up, shut down, held out, held down in ways I never knew I would,
but I can feel Your fullness in my life
I've been burnt out, broken, torn out, torn down in ways I never knew I would,
but I can feel You fullness in my life
One day at a time

One day at a time, I will take these words You've given me
One day at a time, I will rest in knowing You
One day at a time, I will share this gift You've given me
One day at a time, I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see, how much my heart is longing to be cradled by your side
and I'll give all I can,
to one day soon be held by your hand

~Jeremy Camp, Stay~

I should be working on my essay but....

I'm bloggin instead.... MEHH !!!!

I don't really have anything to write except that I'm extremely busy. I have all these reports, summary, lab catch-ups, essays and an oral presentation to do. I have no idea when I will have enough time to actually start studying for my exams, which by the way, is less than a month away. OH.. God will get me through.. some how.

Went to the bagel place with Mel yesterday. It was totally awesome. We had olives and rosemary bagels with chicken, camenbert and cranberries sauce. Maaaaaaaaaan, I so stay there all day !!!!

Right, better get back to my essay. Sorry this is a boring short blog... but I really need to go. The stupid essay is due tomorrow.

when the past come knocking...

suddenly, life just seem meaningless.. when old feelings start to resurface:

The feelings for particular person that I used to love.. God only knows, maybe I still do.. even though I know in my heart that he might not be the one God had in mind for me. Trying so hard to let go.. almost succeeded when I started to fall back again. I crossed the boundary I had set to guard my heart, thinking "just a little bit.. for a little while.. it wouldn't hurt"..... I compromise too much.

The guilt for the things that I did. Wishing that there might be a way to turn back time and erase it. Although I had asked God for forgiveness and He had set me free. The condemnation resurface every now and then. But, forever faithful, God took my hand and lead me through it.

The feeling of uncertainty for my future.

All these things brought me to my knees and cry out to Him. When the desires and the feelings start to consume me.. He become even more real. Praise be to my God, my Rock, my Fortress, my Protector... His love sets me free.

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I also want to use this opportunity to thank Nicola, who always been there for me. Nic, you are such a blessing to me. I can never thank God enough for you. Thank you for all your advice, sincerity and your genuine love for me. I love you heaps...