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Chao~
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Pushed, Shoved, and Beaten Down
When I conjured this blog back to life, I probably said something about this year being the year of self searching and reflection. Despite all the discoveries I have made about myself, I feel spiritually lost.
As a part or my self reflection, I had given my faith and all the decisions that I have made regarding my faith a long hard look. One can almost always guarantee that in doing so will bring up some shocking revelations.. and what was revealed to me has shaken me to the core. My faith crumble and my sense of self and identity was stolen away from me. I realised that my decision to become a Christian is not right.. because the reasons that led me to that decision were wrong. Oh the lies and self deception. All the justification and rationalisation could not do justice, let alone bringing me peace or any sense of joy. I did not become a Christian for me. So I laughed at myself, the biggest fool of all, and then I cried. I feel like a liar, a fake. I have lied to myself.. and because of that I have lied to everybody.
But did I really?
Eventhough I know now that my reasons for becoming a Christian was based on my naivity and foolishness but all my feelings then seemed so real. I still believe that it was real. I prayed with genuine sincerity in my heart. I counselled with genuine love and respect. I don't regret becoming a Christian because it has led me to learn about the abundant love that is shared between one Christian to another. I met so many nice, pleasant, genuinely caring people and establised life long friendship with them. I loved all the life group meetings and all the praying. But what about God? I asked myself that question over and over again. After this realisation..do I still believe in God? in Christian God in particular? Do I believe in Jesus? Do I believe in the teachings?
I can not confidently say "yes" to all of those questions except one... and I can not say that I am a Christian before I can confidently say "yes" to all of those questions. So.. what now? I have decided that I will step back and search for God. I still believe in "God", yes I do, but I can not say that I believe in "Christian God". This blow has taken my life's meaning away from me. I don't know how I am. I don't know what my purpose is. The great big void in my heart is back. The emptiness in my soul is so great that it makes my heart ache. So I will search for God... and perhaps I would found myself along the way. One day, I hope I could confidently say that my life is not meaningless... that I know who I am and what I am about. Right now, I just wish I know where to start looking for God. I feel that I have so many things on my hand, so many things that need my immediate attention... and that my "search" have to be put on hold. But it is not the kind of things that we could put on hold. The search for God is not like the skirt you found at a shop that could be put on hold until you can decide whether you like it or until you have enough to afford it. Funny that I am doing exactly that. It's like breathing, the first thing you did when you were born was to breathe.. and the last thing you do before you die is to breathe your last breath. It is so vitally important for our survival but we rarely think about it. How many times a day are you aware that you are breathing? After you read this sentence, it might be the first time today that your breath got any attention from you. So it's like that, our search for God is vitally important but we rarely think about it. That leads me to another point that I want to share. I went to a seminar on "Guided Meditation" yesterday and the lady said that religion is like banana skin but spirituality is the fruit within. She said that sometimes we hold on the the skin and throws away the fruit, our spirituality. The statement has such a big impact on me.. because I start to question what "spirituality" means. The lady said that it is "how you are in touch with your inner self" but I think that spirituality means more than that. As hard as I tried, I still can not found what "spirituality" means for me. I feel that the meaning is there.. so close to me.. but it is out of my grasp.
When I conjured this blog back to life, I probably said something about this year being the year of self searching and reflection. Despite all the discoveries I have made about myself, I feel spiritually lost.
As a part or my self reflection, I had given my faith and all the decisions that I have made regarding my faith a long hard look. One can almost always guarantee that in doing so will bring up some shocking revelations.. and what was revealed to me has shaken me to the core. My faith crumble and my sense of self and identity was stolen away from me. I realised that my decision to become a Christian is not right.. because the reasons that led me to that decision were wrong. Oh the lies and self deception. All the justification and rationalisation could not do justice, let alone bringing me peace or any sense of joy. I did not become a Christian for me. So I laughed at myself, the biggest fool of all, and then I cried. I feel like a liar, a fake. I have lied to myself.. and because of that I have lied to everybody.
But did I really?
Eventhough I know now that my reasons for becoming a Christian was based on my naivity and foolishness but all my feelings then seemed so real. I still believe that it was real. I prayed with genuine sincerity in my heart. I counselled with genuine love and respect. I don't regret becoming a Christian because it has led me to learn about the abundant love that is shared between one Christian to another. I met so many nice, pleasant, genuinely caring people and establised life long friendship with them. I loved all the life group meetings and all the praying. But what about God? I asked myself that question over and over again. After this realisation..do I still believe in God? in Christian God in particular? Do I believe in Jesus? Do I believe in the teachings?
I can not confidently say "yes" to all of those questions except one... and I can not say that I am a Christian before I can confidently say "yes" to all of those questions. So.. what now? I have decided that I will step back and search for God. I still believe in "God", yes I do, but I can not say that I believe in "Christian God". This blow has taken my life's meaning away from me. I don't know how I am. I don't know what my purpose is. The great big void in my heart is back. The emptiness in my soul is so great that it makes my heart ache. So I will search for God... and perhaps I would found myself along the way. One day, I hope I could confidently say that my life is not meaningless... that I know who I am and what I am about. Right now, I just wish I know where to start looking for God. I feel that I have so many things on my hand, so many things that need my immediate attention... and that my "search" have to be put on hold. But it is not the kind of things that we could put on hold. The search for God is not like the skirt you found at a shop that could be put on hold until you can decide whether you like it or until you have enough to afford it. Funny that I am doing exactly that. It's like breathing, the first thing you did when you were born was to breathe.. and the last thing you do before you die is to breathe your last breath. It is so vitally important for our survival but we rarely think about it. How many times a day are you aware that you are breathing? After you read this sentence, it might be the first time today that your breath got any attention from you. So it's like that, our search for God is vitally important but we rarely think about it. That leads me to another point that I want to share. I went to a seminar on "Guided Meditation" yesterday and the lady said that religion is like banana skin but spirituality is the fruit within. She said that sometimes we hold on the the skin and throws away the fruit, our spirituality. The statement has such a big impact on me.. because I start to question what "spirituality" means. The lady said that it is "how you are in touch with your inner self" but I think that spirituality means more than that. As hard as I tried, I still can not found what "spirituality" means for me. I feel that the meaning is there.. so close to me.. but it is out of my grasp.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
It has been a while
It has been a while since I last blogged! I miss blogging。。
Now, I'm using this computer at Uni which is so weird. It keeps on changing my font to some weird as stuff. I think some one has set up chinese font in this computer or something.
I have not eaten meat for 5 days now. Why? Well, because it's a chinese tradition that at some certain month, we will have 9-10 days that we refrain from eating meat and any animal-related products. It is also known as vegetarian festival around here.
I had a mid-term test and a presentation last week for Multicultural Counselling. It went okay and my presentation on comparing Russian Jewish and Indonesian families went pretty good too. Amazing that we are so relaxed in this class while such uncomfortable subject about race and racism was being discussed. My lecturer commented that it is easier to teach this class in Asia than America, apparenty it is a very sensitive issue in the States.. where everybody sue everybody. Well, this is what I've heard but I prefer to keep my judgement to myself. No.. I would rather not judge at all.
Isn't it amazing that the end of year is approaching already? October is almost over.. only two more months and 2006 is gone. It never amaze me how fast time flies.. and it rarely occur to me that life is actually quite short. I have this interesting theory about "World View".. not my theory of course but it's what I've learned in class.
Well.. there's 4 types of world view:
1. Optimistic - believe that people is essentially good, believe in working in harmony with nature
2. Pessimistic - believe that the best kind of relationship is equal relationship (you help me, I help you), believe that nature is a dangerous fource not to be played with.
3. Traditional - believe that the nature is here to serve you
4. Here and Now - I think the name pretty much self explanatory
So.. I think I'm optimistic but I would rather be here-and-now. I seems to underestimate the value of "Time".. all the time!! Gosh.. I need to get a life. So.. what kind of world view do you have?
Now, I'm using this computer at Uni which is so weird. It keeps on changing my font to some weird as stuff. I think some one has set up chinese font in this computer or something.
I have not eaten meat for 5 days now. Why? Well, because it's a chinese tradition that at some certain month, we will have 9-10 days that we refrain from eating meat and any animal-related products. It is also known as vegetarian festival around here.
I had a mid-term test and a presentation last week for Multicultural Counselling. It went okay and my presentation on comparing Russian Jewish and Indonesian families went pretty good too. Amazing that we are so relaxed in this class while such uncomfortable subject about race and racism was being discussed. My lecturer commented that it is easier to teach this class in Asia than America, apparenty it is a very sensitive issue in the States.. where everybody sue everybody. Well, this is what I've heard but I prefer to keep my judgement to myself. No.. I would rather not judge at all.
Isn't it amazing that the end of year is approaching already? October is almost over.. only two more months and 2006 is gone. It never amaze me how fast time flies.. and it rarely occur to me that life is actually quite short. I have this interesting theory about "World View".. not my theory of course but it's what I've learned in class.
Well.. there's 4 types of world view:
1. Optimistic - believe that people is essentially good, believe in working in harmony with nature
2. Pessimistic - believe that the best kind of relationship is equal relationship (you help me, I help you), believe that nature is a dangerous fource not to be played with.
3. Traditional - believe that the nature is here to serve you
4. Here and Now - I think the name pretty much self explanatory
So.. I think I'm optimistic but I would rather be here-and-now. I seems to underestimate the value of "Time".. all the time!! Gosh.. I need to get a life. So.. what kind of world view do you have?
Saturday, October 14, 2006
It has been a while since my last post.. and now I don't know where to start.
This morning I woke up with this dull headache in combination of allergic reaction on my arms. I am trying to figure out the source of my allergy and almost settled with those garlic parsley shrimp I had last night.. but decided not to because I like shrimps way too much. So the source of my allergy remains a mystery.
I am so behind in my study, which is totally not cool at all. Luckily, I managed to drag myself away from daydreaming and actually did quite a fair bit of study this week. I feel like I can't concentrate on something for long. One other thing I am struggling with in my academic aspect of life is my "either thesis or research project + comprehensive exams" option. Do I really want to do a thesis? Can I be bothered? (the answer to that question is always a "No" but it's better to state it out lound anyway). Either way, I still have to decide on the topic.. which is still under way after a month of searching.
About two Sundays ago, I went to Jatuchak Market with my friend, Ben from Belgium. The most horrible thing happened. My bag was cut open and the thief stole my phone... I was really angry but thank God they didn't stole my purse or my camera instead.
Have you ever got a feeling that you can never get used to your own home after you've been away for a while? I feel that a lot. It's not that I am not trying to settle but it could be that I am unconciously prevent myself from making this my home. I feel that I don't have any friends here. None that I am close enough to call a "friend"....sometimes I wonder whether I have been unconsciously shutting myself off all this time. Preventing myself to become too familiar, too attached to this place because I am too focused on going back to NZ. But if I manage to go back to NZ, would my feelings change? Would I feel that I am suffocating because I don't get to live my life? Would I feel the same way as I do here? I am starting to forget what living in NZ felt like. This makes me wonder whether I am bound to be a homeless traveler.. and never feel "at home" no matter where I am.
Hmm. .maybe I should do a thesis on it.
This morning I woke up with this dull headache in combination of allergic reaction on my arms. I am trying to figure out the source of my allergy and almost settled with those garlic parsley shrimp I had last night.. but decided not to because I like shrimps way too much. So the source of my allergy remains a mystery.
I am so behind in my study, which is totally not cool at all. Luckily, I managed to drag myself away from daydreaming and actually did quite a fair bit of study this week. I feel like I can't concentrate on something for long. One other thing I am struggling with in my academic aspect of life is my "either thesis or research project + comprehensive exams" option. Do I really want to do a thesis? Can I be bothered? (the answer to that question is always a "No" but it's better to state it out lound anyway). Either way, I still have to decide on the topic.. which is still under way after a month of searching.
About two Sundays ago, I went to Jatuchak Market with my friend, Ben from Belgium. The most horrible thing happened. My bag was cut open and the thief stole my phone... I was really angry but thank God they didn't stole my purse or my camera instead.
Have you ever got a feeling that you can never get used to your own home after you've been away for a while? I feel that a lot. It's not that I am not trying to settle but it could be that I am unconciously prevent myself from making this my home. I feel that I don't have any friends here. None that I am close enough to call a "friend"....sometimes I wonder whether I have been unconsciously shutting myself off all this time. Preventing myself to become too familiar, too attached to this place because I am too focused on going back to NZ. But if I manage to go back to NZ, would my feelings change? Would I feel that I am suffocating because I don't get to live my life? Would I feel the same way as I do here? I am starting to forget what living in NZ felt like. This makes me wonder whether I am bound to be a homeless traveler.. and never feel "at home" no matter where I am.
Hmm. .maybe I should do a thesis on it.
Friday, September 29, 2006
It's Friday morning in Bangkok, Thailand.
The weather is strangely "cool" probably because it has been raining for days and days... and the fact that it is approaching "winter". A so-called "winter" because Bangkok would be less hot than usual but nevertheless hot. I am sipping luke warm coffee after a sleepless night.
I have a Welcome Tea Party to go to today at Uni. It's arranged by my Dept.. a get-to-know-each-other kinda thing. I'm lazy but I'll go anyway as I don't have anything better to do. I might even get to talk to Dr. Christine (my Multicultural Counseling lecturer) about my thesis. Although I grumble about my thesis a lot but I am kinda excited about it. I'm lucky that I sort of know specifically what I want to do my research on.. although I usualy stumble on this big rock named "laziness".
I can't believe it's the end of September already. I am extremely glad that the end of year is approaching. It means that I have less than a year until I leave for NZ again. I am not sorry that I was "forced" to spent sometime here. I get to be with my family and I've learned a lot. I've learned that the world can be extremely cruel. I've also learned that eventhough your parents are the people who know you best but from time to time they can be completely clueless. I've learned that I can't live in fear and refuse to take my chances coz if I do..the question "What if.." would haunt me to the end of my days. I also know what it's like to be nice and composed on the out side but screaming on the inside. Now, I am struggling with the concept of "Love without ownership".. somethings are easy to learn, somethings aren't.
It must be the food and the weather as my weight is at its lowest in six long years (55 kg). Hot weather makes you lose your appetite. I have never forgotten to eat in my entire life but since I've been back, I find myself doing it quite a lot. Depsite all that, my clothes size here is still "L". Gosh, I am living an affluent lifestlye. Too much caffeine, too little exercise, and Bangkok is so big that you need a car to go places. Unlike Dunedin with its botanical garden, that muscle torturing Aquinas hill that I spent one year conquering on a daily basis, Ceroc and its many hours of dancing, and high taxi fares - which ultimately forces us to walk everywhere.
Michael Bolton's "Hear Me" is playing softly and for a while.. I can do nothing but let the music and the words flow through me. This song strangely reflect what I am feeling inside most of the time. Probably all the time but the feeling is buried deep in my unconcsious that I am not aware of it sometimes. It's a plea for someone to hear me. I think no one can sing this song better than Michael Bolton. .
Hear me, hear my words unspoken, Restore my faith in hopin’
Hear me, I am feeling broken,
Take this life, turn it into something, I’m afraid it’s just wasting time.
Turn this life the sun has ripened, grow it slowly on the vine.
The weather is strangely "cool" probably because it has been raining for days and days... and the fact that it is approaching "winter". A so-called "winter" because Bangkok would be less hot than usual but nevertheless hot. I am sipping luke warm coffee after a sleepless night.
I have a Welcome Tea Party to go to today at Uni. It's arranged by my Dept.. a get-to-know-each-other kinda thing. I'm lazy but I'll go anyway as I don't have anything better to do. I might even get to talk to Dr. Christine (my Multicultural Counseling lecturer) about my thesis. Although I grumble about my thesis a lot but I am kinda excited about it. I'm lucky that I sort of know specifically what I want to do my research on.. although I usualy stumble on this big rock named "laziness".
I can't believe it's the end of September already. I am extremely glad that the end of year is approaching. It means that I have less than a year until I leave for NZ again. I am not sorry that I was "forced" to spent sometime here. I get to be with my family and I've learned a lot. I've learned that the world can be extremely cruel. I've also learned that eventhough your parents are the people who know you best but from time to time they can be completely clueless. I've learned that I can't live in fear and refuse to take my chances coz if I do..the question "What if.." would haunt me to the end of my days. I also know what it's like to be nice and composed on the out side but screaming on the inside. Now, I am struggling with the concept of "Love without ownership".. somethings are easy to learn, somethings aren't.
It must be the food and the weather as my weight is at its lowest in six long years (55 kg). Hot weather makes you lose your appetite. I have never forgotten to eat in my entire life but since I've been back, I find myself doing it quite a lot. Depsite all that, my clothes size here is still "L". Gosh, I am living an affluent lifestlye. Too much caffeine, too little exercise, and Bangkok is so big that you need a car to go places. Unlike Dunedin with its botanical garden, that muscle torturing Aquinas hill that I spent one year conquering on a daily basis, Ceroc and its many hours of dancing, and high taxi fares - which ultimately forces us to walk everywhere.
Michael Bolton's "Hear Me" is playing softly and for a while.. I can do nothing but let the music and the words flow through me. This song strangely reflect what I am feeling inside most of the time. Probably all the time but the feeling is buried deep in my unconcsious that I am not aware of it sometimes. It's a plea for someone to hear me. I think no one can sing this song better than Michael Bolton. .
Take these tears, put 'em in a bottle. Don’t let these tears I cry be in vain.
Take these tears, keep them up in heaven. Water my life with tears like rain.
Take these tears, keep them up in heaven. Water my life with tears like rain.
Hear me, hear my words unspoken, Restore my faith in hopin’
Hear me, I am feeling broken,
I am broken open.
Take this life, turn it into something, I’m afraid it’s just wasting time.
Turn this life the sun has ripened, grow it slowly on the vine.
Turn my tears into wine
Hear me, hear my words unspoken, Restore my faith in hopin’
Turn my tears into wine,
Turn these tears into wine
All that’s left of me are traces.
Make me stronger in my broken places.
I think I really should publish this post or else I'm going to be here for a long while.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Scotland,s Own Haka
I found this while I was browsing for All Blacks Haka video for my presentation in Developmental Psych.. it's hilarious. | |
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Saw this on Mel's blog.. and I think it is hilarious and looks like a great deal of fun. Anyway, I am actually working on my empirical research critique, which is due in 3 days.. so I think it's about time for procrasination.
Ahh.. don't you just love the word?
The way it works (purely copy and paste from Mel's blog):
1. Put your iPod (or your media player) on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
How am I feeling today?
Petrified - Fort Minor (that's about right)
Will I get far in life?
Bring Me To Life - Evanescence
How do my friends see me?
Elements - Blue (what is that suppose to mean?)
When will I get married?
Bossy - Kelis (HA!!)
What is my best friend's theme song?
You're Beautiful - James Blunt (hey.. I was hoping this will be the answer to my next question!!)
What is the story of my life?
Hear Me (Tears into Wine) - Jim Brickman feat Michael Bolton (Oh.. so true)
What was high school like?
Sexy Back - Justin Timberlake (yeah baby!!.. but actually my high school life was far less exciting)
How am I going to get ahead in life?
Free Loop - Daniel Powter
What is the best thing about me?
Sexy Love - Neyo (LOL!!)
How is today going to be?
Photograph - Nickleback
What is in store for this weekend?
Run It - Chris Brown
What song describes my parents?
Torn - Letoya Luckett (Hmmm....)
Your grandparents?
Obsession - Sugarbabes (I really don't know what to say to this!!)
How is my life going?
Red Dress - Sugarbabes (watch out, Ben)
What song will they play at my funeral?
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield (yeah..I think this will be the perfect song for my funeral)
How does the world see me?
My Humps - Black Eyed Peas (LOL.. this is just hilarious)
Will I have a happy life?
SOS - Rhianna (SOS indeed)
What do my friends really think of me?
You and Me - Lifehouse
Do people secretly lust after me?
What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts (interesting answer)
How can I make myself happy?
Everytime We Touch - Cascada
What should I do with my life?
Blame It On My Youth - Jamie Cullum (oh yeah.. that's the answer that I'm looking for!!)
Will I ever have children?
Over My Head - The Fray (aha... riiiiiiiiiight)
What is some good advice for me?
I'm On It (Kryptonite) - Boi feat Purple Ribbon All-Stars (what the heck?!?!)
What is my signature dancing song?
Ugly - Sugarbabes
What do I think my current theme song is?
Here 4 One - Blazin Squad (Let's get this party jumpin')
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
It Ain't Easy - Sugarbabes
What type of men/women do you like?
Check Up On It - Beyonce
What kind of kisser are you?
Pump It - Black Eyed Peas (Hahahahaha!!!)
What’s your style?
It's About Time - Jamie Cullum
What kind of lover are you?
If It's Lovin' That You Want (You Should Make Me Your Girl) - Rhianna
What would be playing on a first date?
What A Difference A Day Made - Jamie Cullum (yeah.. check that out Mel!!)
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Bruised - Sugarbabes (hmm.. not a good sign)
Yay!! so much fun!! Anyway.. must get back to my work!! It is calling out my name...
Ahh.. don't you just love the word?
The way it works (purely copy and paste from Mel's blog):
1. Put your iPod (or your media player) on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
How am I feeling today?
Petrified - Fort Minor (that's about right)
Will I get far in life?
Bring Me To Life - Evanescence
How do my friends see me?
Elements - Blue (what is that suppose to mean?)
When will I get married?
Bossy - Kelis (HA!!)
What is my best friend's theme song?
You're Beautiful - James Blunt (hey.. I was hoping this will be the answer to my next question!!)
What is the story of my life?
Hear Me (Tears into Wine) - Jim Brickman feat Michael Bolton (Oh.. so true)
What was high school like?
Sexy Back - Justin Timberlake (yeah baby!!.. but actually my high school life was far less exciting)
How am I going to get ahead in life?
Free Loop - Daniel Powter
What is the best thing about me?
Sexy Love - Neyo (LOL!!)
How is today going to be?
Photograph - Nickleback
What is in store for this weekend?
Run It - Chris Brown
What song describes my parents?
Torn - Letoya Luckett (Hmmm....)
Your grandparents?
Obsession - Sugarbabes (I really don't know what to say to this!!)
How is my life going?
Red Dress - Sugarbabes (watch out, Ben)
What song will they play at my funeral?
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield (yeah..I think this will be the perfect song for my funeral)
How does the world see me?
My Humps - Black Eyed Peas (LOL.. this is just hilarious)
Will I have a happy life?
SOS - Rhianna (SOS indeed)
What do my friends really think of me?
You and Me - Lifehouse
Do people secretly lust after me?
What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts (interesting answer)
How can I make myself happy?
Everytime We Touch - Cascada
What should I do with my life?
Blame It On My Youth - Jamie Cullum (oh yeah.. that's the answer that I'm looking for!!)
Will I ever have children?
Over My Head - The Fray (aha... riiiiiiiiiight)
What is some good advice for me?
I'm On It (Kryptonite) - Boi feat Purple Ribbon All-Stars (what the heck?!?!)
What is my signature dancing song?
Ugly - Sugarbabes
What do I think my current theme song is?
Here 4 One - Blazin Squad (Let's get this party jumpin')
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
It Ain't Easy - Sugarbabes
What type of men/women do you like?
Check Up On It - Beyonce
What kind of kisser are you?
Pump It - Black Eyed Peas (Hahahahaha!!!)
What’s your style?
It's About Time - Jamie Cullum
What kind of lover are you?
If It's Lovin' That You Want (You Should Make Me Your Girl) - Rhianna
What would be playing on a first date?
What A Difference A Day Made - Jamie Cullum (yeah.. check that out Mel!!)
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Bruised - Sugarbabes (hmm.. not a good sign)
Yay!! so much fun!! Anyway.. must get back to my work!! It is calling out my name...
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